I once asked a close family friend whom I greatly respect, “What’s it like raising teenagers?” She had successfully raised three boys and all three have grown into respectful, productive, young men, so I eagerly awaited her best-kept secret!
She told me, “You know those State Farm commercials where weird shit happens when you least expect it, and you don’t have the money to pay for it? It’s kind of like that.”
Although obviously funny and sarcastic, the message my friend was trying to convey was what any parent of a teen or pre-teen already knows- somewhere along the line, and seemingly overnight, the sweet child who wanted to spend every moment with you morphed into a moody, sarcastic, impulsive, know-it-all teenager.
Adolescence can be a confusing and tumultuous time of change for teens and parents, but there is plenty you can do to continue nurturing your teen and encouraging responsible behavior!
The most effective parenting strategy with teens is to focus on the relationship. As your teenager continues to mature, their main job and focus becomes shaping their identity and sorting out what is important to them. They are desperate to exert their newfound independence, but also crave the structure and safety that you, their parents, have always provided.
Sounds simple enough to achieve this balance, right? No? Well, take a deep breath, remember you successfully navigated the “terrible twos”, and you WILL find your way through the “terrifying teens!”
There are three primary parts of your relationship with your teen to focus on- emotional regulation, taking charge, and reflection.
Teenagers’ moods can shift in the blink of an eye, and while it is not necessary for you to meet them at every emotional pitstop, it is important that they feel safe sharing their experience with you. Even if they are not able to communicate how important you are in their life, if they do not feel confident in your ability to remain interested and connected when they bring you the “small stuff,” they will likely think twice before coming to you with the “big stuff.”
Your teenager likely will not give you direct cues when they want to talk (that would be too easy!), but that does not mean they do not care. Look for ways to invite conversation and connection by casually showing interest in their life and conveying your openness and availability to them. This can look like asking questions instead of making statements, wondering instead of assuming, and listening instead of immediately sharing.
The second aspect of the relationship is taking charge. This is often the part most likely to cause conflict between you and your teen but is also what fosters the safety teens need to continue growing in their independence. Though they may act like they can handle everything and will likely give you a big eyeroll if you challenge that assumption, the truth is, they cannot! This is where some structure and boundaries are not only essential for their safety and well-being but can also be very helpful in your relationship.
While they may express their discontent with some of these rules or boundaries, a predictable environment is easier to navigate and having a pre-discussed framework for how to handle various situations will alleviate some of the pressure for you, the parent. One of the easiest ways to achieve this is to sit down with your teen and collaboratively discuss consequences that will accompany different behaviors. For example, your family may decide that the consequence for staying out past curfew is your teen losing privileges to the car for a certain amount of time. Your teen may still choose to miss their curfew, but they know and agreed on the consequence, so the back-and-forth arguing can be limited.
When brainstorming consequences, it is important to remember that this method will only work if your teen is invested. This means identifying consequences that are meaningful to them in order to motivate their more positive behaviors.
Lastly, quality relationships between you and your teen require reflection. Taking the time to reflect on your interactions with your child with a level of objectivity and perspective can help you to identify missed opportunities, miscommunications, and areas for improvement in the future. Being able to keep yourself and your child in mind simultaneously can often prove difficult, especially when emotions are still running high. It is a skill that takes practice, but if you commit yourself to trying, you are also modeling this behavior for your child.
Reflection and the ability to admit when you may have been wrong or acted off emotion teach your teenager that it is okay to acknowledge your missteps and provides them with a roadmap for how to repair relationships when there is a rupture.
At the end of the day, there is no version of “perfect parenting” and no way to be completely prepared for all that will come your way. Your child needs your love, understanding, guidance, and patience- even when they scream, they need nothing from you at all! The funny thing about kids is- they are he reason you lose it and the reason you hold it all together.
Looking for more support or guidance? Join us at Cerebrum for our weekly parenting group!
- Paige Lichtenberger